I love being in the business of helping women get what they want! But do you know what drives me crazy? That most of the women who come to me are their own biggest obstacle to achieving that.
Really? Who on earth would stop themselves from getting what they want? Sounds nuts doesn’t it? But it’s true.
And really it all boils down to them all using just one word. The F word. They really should stop it because it’s just bloody awful! It doesn’t make them look good. It doesn’t make them feel better. It’s not big and it’s not clever.
Here’s the thing. I bet it’s not the F word you think it is. Lord no!!! I’m a super fan of Fucks! Fuck yourself silly is what I say! Fuck till you can’t fuck no more! (Sorry I couldn’t resist, I have a very dirty mind, pardon me). The F word I’m talking about is ‘Fine’.
Women who say that they’re fine. That everything is fine. That their job is fine. That their marriage is fine. That their sex life is fine. That the kids are fine. When their partner doesn’t put the bins out… Fine. When they come home and are asked what kind of day they’ve had…. you got it!….. Fine. Tra la la… the list goes on.
The word ‘Fine’ is my trigger word that tells me that someone needs my help. ‘Fine’ in my assertive language processing brain says Er-Er (the noise from family fortunes when you get the question wrong). It gives me signals that this person is not assertive and therefore not getting what they want. It can mean that they are passive, passive/aggressive (especially if said in a sarcastic tone with an incongruent face!) or even aggressive.
I was watching a Mel Robbins TED talk the other day where she was talking about this F word in the same way too. The talk was about her 5 second rule where she discussed a number of things that really resonated with me and that I’ll share with you now. Getting what you want is simple…. but not easy (and nobody can be arsed to do hard stuff anymore AND learning to be assertive is a bit hard)
1. Getting what you want is simple…. but not easy (and nobody can be arsed to do hard stuff anymore AND learning to be assertive is a bit hard)
2. The odds of YOU, with your specific DNA makeup, being born is 400 trillion to 1. Do not fucking waste it!!! Do the stuff you WANT!
3. For any change you want to make in life, you are NOT going to feel like it. If you listen to how you feel when it comes to what you want, you will never get it, because you will never feel like it. You have to get past your feelings and step into the uncomfortable space where growth happens.
That’s where her 5 second rule comes from. If you have the impulse but don’t act within 5 seconds, it’s gone. It ain’t happening. Your brain has put the handbrake on by then to keep you in your comfort zone.
Mel reckons our problem is inaction, not lack of ideas. That works for me because it correlates with what I see…..
I see an epidemic of the knowing-doing gap. We know what to do, we just choose not to do it… and we make that choice because we are not confident in our capability and skill to do it.
So if you are a woman who wants more from life and you identify as a major F bomb offender after reading this, then it’s time to take some action. It’s time you invested in your skills development and that skill that you need to be able to get the stuff you want is Assertiveness.